My family is very musical! If you visit us at church on any given Sunday, you are certain to hear one of us sing. All three of my girls are or have been choir soloists at one time. The middle one, Ayana, is quite gifted and has actually trained herself to compose music and play the guitar, piano, keyboard and organ. Every one sings…Big Country sings…his mom sings… and his late father had a “Temptations-worthy” voice.  In fact, his dad once performed at the world-famous Apollo in his twenties. And those long car trips the family made were always made better by the impromptu concerts we would put on.

And yes…even I sing.  Now this is quite a miraculous feat since I am really not sure how I received the “gift.”  Even though I did not spend a lot of time with my father, I don’t recollect hearing him ever sing.  And no one has shared memories of him belting out any powerful tunes. And my mother…well she has no musical talent at all. I have heard her sing, and let’s just say…it is similar to the shrill of cranes being caught up in a tornado. Not inspiring at all.

Now when I say I have the “gift,” don’t get confused.  I don’t have the complexities of Mariah, Jill, Celine and Whitney.  But I can carry a pretty pleasant tune.  I attribute this to my passionate nature.  Singing requires passion.

Well earlier today, as I sat in a presentation, a song that Imani belted out as a little girl popped into my head.  It was the call and response Gospel song “Up above My Head, I Hear Music.” Oh that lil’ lady would belt that song and the whole congregation would be caught up in it.  The version of the song she would sing goes like this:

"Up above my head (up above my head)
I hear music in the air (I hear music in the air)
Up above my head (up above my head)
I hear music in the air (I hear music in the air)
Up above my head (up above my head)
I hear music in the air (I hear music in the air)
Oh there must, be a God somewhere!”

I mean that song just popped up in my spirit. Nothing I was doing even related to it or should have spawned the thought.  It just came to me.

This has happened all my life.  I will be sitting somewhere and a particular ditty would just come in my mind or fall from my lips.  That’s what happens when you have a life soundtrack.

No, I am not being dramatic.  But I know that my life has its own soundtrack.  There are songs that I have heard that I immediately connect with… songs that I know were composed with lil’ ole me in mind.  And I don’t care where I am or if the music is actually playing at the time, if I feel them… I blast them. 

I believe everyone has a soundtrack.  The songs that we totally get…the ditties that fit us to a “T.” These are the tunes that tell our stories.

So what does my compilation sound like? I don’t have to think hard…many of the tunes are currently on my MP3 player. Let’s check out a sample of the selections:

·         “How Great Thou Art” – What a perfect way to start this mix! I daily find myself in awe of our Creator.  Just glance around and you can see His handiwork.

·         The Sesame Street theme – Much of my love for literature can be traced to this show.  Who doesn’t love Elmo, Big Bird and Ernie! This show is a classic and represents the little innocence I experienced in my childhood.

·         “I Don’t Feel No Ways Tired” – I remember humming this Rev. James Cleveland’s gospel classic as I cried very late one April night when I was 12 years old.  I felt hopeless, ugly and wretched.  I took a whole bottle of acetaminophen and prayed that God would guide me away from this earth peacefully.  He wasn’t through with me yet. I awoke that next morning with a desire to live and overcome.

·         “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” and “Mama Said Knock You Out!” – These two songs represent my “don’t underestimate me” period from age 13 until I graduated from FAMU on December 12, 1997.  Man, I spent so much energy fighting the powers that be…wanting to be a voice for the underdog and down-trodden…and refusing to be defined by anything.  I turned everything into a battle… I am still battling a little of that spirit today. 

·         “How Deep Is Your Love” (Keith Sweat), “Piece of My Love” and “Make It Last Forever” – I came of age in the New Jack Swing era.  I remember many a night listening to Mr. Lee, the local DJ, play these requests on the radio while pondering over my latest “romance.” Shoot, “How Deep Is Your Love” was the song I danced to right before I lost my “virginity.” I was always a sucker for a begging man.  LOL!

·         “How Deep Is Your Love” (Bee Gees) – I am a 70’s baby so I grew up listening to many of my mommy’s 45’s.  This is one of my favorites.

·         “Hanging In the Air Tonight” – Every time I listen to this Phil Collins’ joint, it takes me back to the first time I truly was into a dude.  Oh my goodness, I never understood the power of attraction until that moment.  I still smile every time I think about it.

·         “Friends” – Whodini’s joint is a hip-hop classic! And every moment, I spend catching up with my buddies... both distant and close…I walk away bouncy!

·         “He Loves Me” – Jill Scott is awesome. Her creative energy is mind-blowing. The words she strings together make you feel as if she was studying your brain and could see each thought as it developed. In my lifetime, I have had three men to feel this way about me. Each time I realized, I felt just the way Jill described.

·         “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” – No explanation needed… LOL!

·         “Never Loved a Man” – Aretha is the queen and this one is my favorite!

·         “Pieces of Me” – This Ledisi joint is my personal anthem.  It is the story of my evolution… my being.  No song has ever described me better.

·         “How Great Is Our God” – I still look at pictures from my car accident during the wee hours of October 17, 2011.  I survived so much destruction.  Three cars were totaled…but no life-threatening injuries.  Only by God’s grace and mercy! Chris Tomlin was so right when he pinned this song!

Of course, there are so many more selections, different styles and genres, I would choose. Each of them represents pieces that create the whole complexity of me.  And as I continue this life’s journey, I know more will be added…because I truly hear music in the air.

Just yesterday I wrote regarding the power of Facebook. No other form of media has connected, disconnected, inspired or sparked ire like it. It is truly the sounding board of of the masses. Continuing in that vein, I saw very interesting posts on Facebook on Tuesday. On his Baisden Live fan page, Michael Baisden posted several status updates concerning friendship. I must say that Mike has truly mastered the interplay of traditional broadcast avenues and social media.  He is able to stay in our face and our ears so that we find ourselves as others if they heard his discussion that day.  Tuesday was no different.

Here are the Baisden Live updates that caught my attention and launched me into deep retrospection:

·         Do you have more or less friends than you had three to five years ago? And does it become more difficult to make friends as you get older?

·         Would you agree the title “friend” is given to people who don’t deserve it?

·         Finish the sentence:  Real friends don’t…

Gut-shaking laughter emanated from me as I read his fans’ comments regarding the posts. I soon found myself evaluating my own relationships and I was quite tickled by my discoveries. To be honest, I definitely have more friends than I had three to five years ago.  Because my life has changed so dramatically in the last five years, I have come into contact with others walking in my shoes.  Just the sheer craziness of our various situations sparks camaraderie…because no one can go throw this ish alone.  It would drive them crazy.  And I really can’t manage more than three personalities I already have. 

I mean come on…all of my parental units became chronically ill resulting in the death of the fatherly figures and the disablement of the mommies.  What was once thought to be a simple case of teenage rebellion actually was diagnosed as a bipolar condition with post-traumatic shock syndrome and difficulty controlling impulses.  I witnessed that same child steal a car (good thing it was mine), attempt suicide, fly into uncontrollable rages and then give birth to a healthy baby boy. And during all of that we managed to survive foreclosure, bank repossession and unforeseen unemployment.  Whew…if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I’ve been trapped in Tyler Perry’s next play production! Anyone going through all of that drama definitely needs all of the friends she can get! LOL!

While I agree the term “friend” can be given too freely, that just hasn’t been my case.  Those who occupy that role in my life have truly gone way past the call of duty.  They have held me… consoled me… pray for and with me…shook me…. slapped me… kicked me…pulled me… and cheered for me.  Whatever action was needed at that given time, I didn’t have to ask.  They just knew what to do.  The things they have done may not have always been pleasant, but they were needed.

So if I had to complete that sentence, I would say REAL FRIENDS don’t abandon you. They just don’t! They have no problem playing the role you need them to play. In fact, you won’t need to ask them… they will just do it.

So as I look back over my life, I know I have way more friends now as a hot g-mama than I had as a young “know-it-all” diva!  The evolution of my life just made it that way.  The evolution of my persona made it that way. 

My friends don’t all run in the same circles…which is okay.  That keeps my life full.  Plus it keeps me from wearing them out. LOL!

And it keeps them sincere in their reasons for being my friend.  See, they are my friends because they value me. And I was able to attract them because I valued myself.  And because I finally learned to value myself…I was able to trust myself with other, be more comfortable in different environments and truly be a friend in all of my life roles.

I am so amazed by the power of Facebook….LOL!

Wanna keep up with the vacation plans of your high school classmate who now lives in Montana…check Facebook!

Wanna build your text lingo/slang skills…check Facebook!

If you need to keep up with who’s beefing with whom….it’s on Facebook!

Need to build your gaming skills…there’s Facebook!

Facebook is the sounding board for the masses.  Now I know Twitter is pretty popular….but even your tweets feed into Facebook.   I knew that Facebook was the ish when my mom and her oldest sister both had accounts.

Because of Facebook, you can now be privy to every joy and pain of its congregation.  There you can follow any ideology of your choice.  You can be influenced how to spend your money.  Shoot, I am using a fan page to share my blog posts.  And if you really need to know how your coworker… friends… child… mate feels about anything, just check out Facebook.

And don’t even post a philosophical quote (yes…I am notorious for my Maya quotes) or make a random observation about something! Man, you will surely launch an inbox war.  Or you may have to delete friends….or heaven forbid it…have yourself deleted from another’s friend list.

And it can make, break or revive a relationship.  I am amazed by how often the relationship statuses change on Facebook.  And then there are those people from your past…you know the ones I am talking about…those people who disappeared without a word years ago or you have managed to avoid them for almost 10 years. Wham…there is the friend request!  And my goodness…I have gotten friend requests from third cousins of my third cousins or old high school classmates.  They don’t really know me…but they consider me worthy of friendship! LOL

Now don’t get me wrong…the Facebook experience has been very insightful and amusing.  I have read the most inspiring material…quotes that have made me take on new projects with gusto…testimonies of true “more-than-conquerors”…links for blogs about uplifting others…that truly makes me appreciate Facebook’s ability to connect and connect quickly.  I have read wisdom spewed forth from the mouths of individuals that are babies to me, and I smile, “like” and rejoice every time I read it. 

Michael Baisden, award-winning author and radio personality, has expertly used Facebook to connect with, retain and recruit his audience.  It’s no better way to stroke the average Joe or Joanna’s ego than to read his or her comment from your latest Facebook status on your radio show.  I mean…Mike thought it was so worthy he felt compelled to share it with millions of listeners all around the country.

Advertisers and the retail industry are hitching their wagons to the Facebook train.  And they are reaping the benefits.  And everyone who is a marketing consultant (like me) is trying to teach others how to use this social media tool to their advantage.  Every day at work I spend at least twenty minutes deleting spam from my computer about some social media webinar, book or course that is gonna guarantee me mega million results. 

I think it’s an awesome idea to teach entrepreneurs, organizations and corporations how to use this medium effectively.  But what about the rest of us…what about the casual and social users of Facebook? I really believe that there should be a course in Facebook etiquette.  I really don’t think people realize just much accessible Facebook makes them to the world. 

I was sitting in a youth ministry meeting this past week. I wished her a Happy Belated Birthday and she looked at me strangely.  She then asked me how I knew that she had just celebrated a birthday.  I then reminded her that she had sent me a friend request six months earlier.  Even though it displays her “username” and the demographic information has her at least five years older and married, her picture is there. (That is the only reason I accepted the request.) So I told her that Facebook e-mails me a listing of birthday notifications and she was on the list.  I also told her that because she is my friend, I pretty much see everything posted on her Wall.  And I made sure that I emphasized “everything.”  I haven’t seen anything from her this week…or lil’ girl may have deleted me as a friend!

I am in no way denouncing Facebook.  I truly see its value.  And I often won’t know what is truly going on with Imani if I didn’t check her wall occasionally.  (Such a sad state to be in with your child!) Plus I have truly enjoyed some of the lively banter that I have engaged in with friends I don’t get to see very often. And it has help build and solidify new friendships that I wouldn’t trade for the world. (Shout-outs to my friends in South Florida and North Carolina.)

But it is really easy to get caught up in the Facebook drama land! And it is easy to get burnt when you don’t learn how to properly navigate its highways and byways. (Can I get an “Amen!” somebody?) Yes, it has extraordinary power…but can you really handle it?

Day 7 – Refocusing

If you want to an example of rambling, just read my last post.  LOL!

This writing thing is a truly a process.  Now I understand why “writer’s block” exists.  Many people are under the misconception that the creative process is all spontaneity.  Boy are they wrong!

It requires much discipline to put your thoughts and ideas on paper.  As I have learned…you will have many starts and stops in this process.  There will be days…weeks…maybe months when you produce nothing.  Many times you will be cooking…just moving along…and then slam into a wall of “it-just-ain’t-working.”

So this 21-day exercise is about working through those moments.  It’s easy to become discouraged.  I actually have at least three other books in progress.  But I know Fancy’s story is just going to be the one…I just know it. So I am challenging myself to write.  And I will write even if I just echo the craziness going on around me or inside my head.

And God knows I need the discipline! I haven’t always had it.  That would explain my addictions to shoes…purses…lingerie…the list goes on and on.  I just have an addictive personality. Any time that I have had to overcome something…I have had to put it in writing.  So to overcome my procrastination, laziness and lack of focus…all of which have slowed down my novel’s release…I have to write about something each day during this 21-day period.

And I am encouraged.  I can truly do this.  I know I was born to do this.  Today, Oprah Winfrey posted the following on her Facebook wall:

“What I know for sure is this. You are built not to shrink down to less, but to blossom into more. To be more splendid. To be more extraordinary. To use every moment to fill yourself. “

And when has Oprah ever been wrong? LOL!

There are people out there who don’t know how to take pleasure for themselves.  Everything they do is focused on satisfying the needs and desires of others.  Hell, they will run themselves sick so that others will be happy.  I refer to them as addictive givers.

I know this personality type very well.  My sister spirit, Deanna, is one.  In fact, if there was a definition on an addictive giver…and you wanted to look it up on Wikipedia, you would see a picture of that chic included in the article.

Now don’t get me wrong…there is nothing wrong with giving and attending to the needs of others.  Doesn’t the Good Book tell us it is better to give than to receive? I mean where would this world be without givers such as Mother Theresa and Martin Luther King? People like Oprah, Warren Buffett and Bill Gates are well-known for their philanthropic activities.  Shoot…Oprah’s Favorite Things events were among her talk show’s highest-rated episodes. And don’t even forget the popularity of shows like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. 

But Deanna takes giving to the extreme.  That girl doesn’t know what it means to do something for herself.  Now some times I’ve gone along with Deanna when she is trying to please someone because it was just so much fun.  Those occasions have usually been the source of pleasure for me as well, so why should I disappoint lil’ girl.

Every once in a while Deanna’s Kum-ba-yah sensibilities will lead us down a path of destruction.  See the problem is that the lil’ lady is so focused on pleasing another person, she will entertain his or her every whim.  Some of those wishes have been downright reckless with life changing implications.  The other person plays on Deanna’s desire to keep him or her happy. And when it all blows up, we are left holding the bag.

My sense of adventure can be particularly dangerous when coupled with Deanna’s desire to please.  That’s when Dana steps in…thank God for her! Normally she will entertain Deanna’s free-hearted nature…but when I become an active participant, she starts to closely monitor the situation. It’s not that I push Deanna to do the wrong thing…no I don’t do that.  But I must admit that my “embrace-and enjoy-every-moment” nature will lead us to the edge and have us close to teetering over and free-falling into the valley of regret.

I became really aware of this after a conversation on the eve of my New Year-Birthday celebration.  One of our girlfriends had treated me to dinner.  She was recapping her year.  She was quite pleased with the progress she had made.  She talked about how she was now taking time to treat herself…doing things just for her.  She pointed out that since she was a little girl she had been seeking the approval of others.  So anything that they wanted became what she wanted. She would go to extreme measures to make sure that they got it, even if it left her feeling miserable.  And the people she sought to keep happy expected that from her all the time and didn’t seem to care about her wishes and desires. Therefore her happiness was never a priority to them or her.

She really found this out the hard way when she battled lung cancer about four years ago.  After suffering the heartbreak of being abandoned by her husband, she found herself pretty much dealt with the dreadful disease alone. Her company even eliminated her position while she was on medical leave.  Very few of those who surrounded her during recovery were sensitive to her emotional and physical challenges. They were so used to her focusing on their needs that they did not know how to treat her when she no longer could.

As I sat and listened to our friend, I realized the negative potential of Deanna’s character.  Although she is sweet and caring, her need to pleasure others is not always healthy.  Many of the health issues we have dealt with can be traced to the lack of self-focus.  We ignored abdominal pain for 10 years because we had to attend to the needs of others. It didn’t stop until we were forced to have emergency gall bladder removal.   A few years before a lump in our left breast was ignored until it manifested itself in back pain and we had to undergo surgery. Thank God it was not cancerous. There have been other occasions where Deanna has ignored our well-being to focus on others. She must learn that we cannot truly be there for others if we do not attend to ourselves first.  Shoot, that is the concept behind the safety instructions given on flights. If Deanna’s overwhelming need to please others is not dealt with it, it can actually destroy all of us. 

Happy New Year!

Yep…that’s what I said.  Happy New Year!

Today I celebrated the beginning of another year of my life. 

It’s funny…as I prepared for my day this morning, my mind wandered back to this time last year.  Boy, what a difference a year can make.  On my last birthday, I was determined to tell Fancy’s story.  A “would-have, could-have” moment in my life had inspired me and words were leaping from my brain into my laptop.  I couldn’t focus on any thing else…my book consumed my thoughts.  I walked around with my notebook in my hand all of the time…just in case a chapter developed in my head.

So what happened?  Why made me get off track? How did I lose my zeal?

I could easily point out several life changes.  We had to get use to Lil’ Man’s arrival.  It had been a minute since a baby had been in our home.  Our space was already crowded.  And then our kitchen counters became crowded with baby bottles, formula and bottle warmers.  I found myself bumping into the bassinet all the time and the washer and dryer stayed in operation.  Trying to get Imani to adjust to her new role was not easy.  Every suggestion became the jump-off to a confrontation.  I believe she thought she would just morph into the supermom role. Poor deluded girl.

Even though the new baby was a big adjustment, I know that wasn’t truly the reason for my diversion.  Soon we were all used to Lil’ Man’s presence in our world. So what else could it be?  

Well, Big Country did lose his driving contract to deliver for a national office supply chain.  It was four days before Christmas.  We were already dealing with the expenses that a bundle of joy brings.  We were definitely not prepared.  And the financial condition of our community did not help matters.  Big Country takes his role as provider and protector very seriously.  So it was a major blow to his psyche when he got no callbacks from all of the applications he submitted. 

But he is a hustler…we both are.  He took on a part-time while taking coursework to begin a new career. He gathered scrap metal and helped his cousin who owned a landscaping business. He finished the course and started his new business.  He’s building it, but it has been slow. Sacrifices have had to be made…he shaved his head bald and learned to keep it clean….I haven’t been to my stylist in eight months…couponing is a part of our routine and shopping is now about necessity. We are not where we want to be, but we will get there. No doubt about it.

So what is it? What has been holding me back? Why am I struggling to finish this book that has been unfolding in my head for the last five years?

I think the key is that “would-have, could-have” episode.  It made me reflect over every season of my life. I questioned every decision I had made and all the paths I had chosen.  I wondered what I would have done differently.

In doing so, I realized that my Deanna ways have often gotten the best of me.  I have paused in my pursuit of happiness to walk some one along his or her path.  I have been the first to compromise even when I was not asked to do so.

Now don’t get me wrong…for the most part, I have no regrets.  Big Country and I have a dynamic and unique partnership based upon a solid friendship.  Not all of our friends from back in the day have faired so well.  My family is doing well in spite of the financial storm and Imani’s emotional/mental battles. 

But my self-sacrificing ways have kept me from completing my goals…pursuing my dreams. This goes back to childhood.  I am the oldest child.  When my mother struggled to provide for me and my sister, I would often choose to go without something so that my sister could have.  Then later on when I got pregnant with Imani, I changed my career focus so that she wouldn’t be cheated out of a mother. Time and time again, I chose to do without in the best interests of those around me.  Even when they have not asked me to do so!

Just a few months ago, I was involved in a very bad car accident that totaled my car and two others.  The post-crash photos are frightening and make you realize how blessed am I.  I could have left this earth with my dream on permanent hold.

This morning I realized that I was given a chance to get myself together.  I have chosen to pursue my dreams.  I am kicking myself in the pants. I want my book published.  Others have strived toward and achieved their goals in spite of their life circumstances.  Look at Tyler Perry.  Not very long ago, he was homeless and living out of his car.

That’s why this blog is so important to me.  If I can focus on it…commit to writing for 21 days…I will complete this.  I will be one step closer to being “Fancy-free.”

So as I begin this next year of my life, I am returning to the zeal I had last year.  However this time, it is coupled with a resolved to not allow life to distract me.  And when the setbacks occur…for Satan is intent on holding me back…I will regroup and refocus.  Everyone should prepare for Fancy’s arrival.

Until then….Happy New Year!

Day 4 – It Is What It Is…

I’m on guard today.  Yep…feeling a little defensive.  Not sure why….just the way I feel.

I guess I feel the need to address the whole purpose of this blogging exercise. I found myself having to explain this blog after some person read one of the posts. She saw it after one of my friends “liked” it on my Facebook fan page. I don’t know if I cleared it up for her, but it is what it is.

See I am trying to accomplish three things here.  One…I need to keep my fingers and mind nimble.  So as I think it…I write it.  Yes, it has no logical or sequential order.  Yes, it tends to ramble.  That’s okay. The whole point is to keep the creative juices flowing and not allow these thoughts to build up and keep me from my goal. The world needs to experience Fancy.  So I have got to remove the obstacles.

Next, this is my way of venting.  In my circles, I am usually the one that occupies the cheerleader and counselor roles.  So when I have something going on…there are only a few people that I can find to listen to me and rally behind me.  And they, too, have others needing the same service. Therefore my counseling sessions with them are limited.  So I am taking one of the approaches Imani was introduced to in counseling…write it down.  On paper, thoughts become much clearer and solutions develop.  The problems don’t seem so bad and I don’t feel so weighed down.

Finally, I am hoping that by sharing that I am helping someone else.  You know how it goes…often you learn to appreciate your own situation when you learn about another’s issues.  No…this will not have a reality TV spin…you won’t get a blow-by-blow of any of my escapades.  You won’t know when I am in the tub or on the toilet.  But if I think it might be enlightening to someone, I am gonna share.  As my friend RJ likes to say, “I’m just saying the things you wanted to, but couldn’t.”  That’s a little of my Deanna persona with a D’ Anne twist.  Plus, I might gain some insight from someone who saw it and could relate. 

Plus there is a bonus here.  If enough people find it enjoyable…if enough people follow it…then I will be able to gauge my skills.  Every story teller wants to make sure that his or her audience gets it. It’s just that simple.  I want to make sure you get it whenever I put words on paper.  Whether it’s a memoir, poem or novel, I wonder if you can relate…can you see yourself in this.

Now let me tell you what this won’t be.  I already told you it is not an expose.  Some events will be glossed over…names and relationships may be altered.  My intent is not to hurt or maim. I will share the details I think are relevant to the thought I am expressing…no more…no less.

It also is not a self-help guide.  It is what it is….just me rambling about things.  I don’t profess to know it all…not do I treat it all.  I leave that in the very capable hands of trained professionals…like my girl Hannah.

And my ramblings will not have a super-religious slant.  I believe in God…know that He is my creator…redeemer…provider and protector.  But man…this is a simple writing exercise.  He will be mentioned…just because my thoughts were focused on Him. But if any one expects this to be some thing similar to the works of Joel Osteen, Bishop T.D. Jakes, Juanita Bynum or Rick Warren, he or she will be greatly disappointed.  Occasionally scripture will be referenced….but only as it relates to the subject. 

So are we clear now? You can take this seriously or lightly. You can even dismiss it if you like.  It is just my random thoughts…nothing more…nothing less.  It truly is what it is…

Hi, my name is D’Anne and I am a drama queen!

Yeah...that’s what I said. I am a drama queen.  And I have no problem with that admission.

Now you probably will never hear any woman readily admit that.  Shoot, you might be subjected to a cat fight if you ever called a female that. But I am quite comfortable with it. I am pretty sure the proclamation is going to raise a few eyebrows and invoke a few head shakes.  So what? It’s the truth.

Okay let me take the time to clarify.  When I refer to myself as a drama queen, I am not using that title as most have come to know it.  I am far from the “Hey Maury…I slept with four different men and still don’t know who is my baby’s daddy” type. I have never poured sugar in another chick’s gas tank or keyed my man’s Honda Accord while humming Jazmin Sullivan’s popular ditty (Even though I will admit that I have been pushed in that direction a few times…lol).  I have never had a sugar daddy or been one to carry gossip. And I have never identified with any sort of clique.

But I know I am a drama queen.  Why do I claim that? Well there have been quite a number of instances in my life…over the top stuff.  Situations that have made me pause mid-drama and question whether it was reality or a dream. And somehow I have managed to survive it all.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I don’t invite any of the drama.  Who in their right mind would?

 Let’s see…I definitely don’t desire to repeat the childhood.  Absentee father…abusive stepfather…mom scuffling to make ends meet...pubescent awkwardness…major drama for any girl child.  And it was bad back then…I don’t feel like revealing all of the details, but I could definitely relate to the Celie and Precious characters from the movies.

Then when I became a teenager…the boys didn’t know how to handle lil ole me.  I was tomboyish…nerdy…and well developed…all at the same time.  I loved sports, but was too poor to afford the costs of being on the team.  So instead…I kept stats and served as videographer for the cross country and basketball teams.  Now while I wasn’t a cool athlete (even though I had pretty good b-ball skills), I got to travel with the team and get in all of the events for free. It also made me able to hold sports conversations with guys.  This made me one of the crew…the one the guys could relate too and turn to when they need relationship advice.  I was always in the company of “men,” and they felt quite comfortable having me around.

But that…coupled with being an excellent student…made guys decide not to pursue relationships with me.  I can’t tell you how many of my ole male crew today point out that they had feelings for me back in the day…but just didn’t feel that they should step that way. Or if they did step to me, they would quickly run back in the direction of the girls who were more popular…or less complicated.  The crazy thing is that I was into a few of these guys.  I couldn’t quite understand it…I wasn’t an outcast like any of the characters from Revenge of the Nerds.  But I just didn’t fit in any real group.

So their rejection of me produced a very callous young woman.  And when I headed off to college, I was determined to not allow any man to define me.  So I can admit that I engaged in very reckless behavior.  I just knew that I could handle anything thrown my way.  I’ve always heard that God looks out for babies and fools…boy am I glad!  There were a few episodes that I knew could have taken me out. 

There was the incident with the drug dealer that took a fancy to me.  Oh boy…he was fine!  Probably the cutest boy that had ever been attracted to me.  And he seemed to be very into me…really fast.  But this girl-woman who had been overlooked by the significant men during her childhood didn’t seem to notice the warning signs that were there from the very beginning.

 One evening he was wining and dining me like a big player and I was reveling in the attention.  And we went back to his place to cap off the evening.  All of a sudden, I felt this sense of dread wash over me.  I can’t truly describe it…but I could hear a voice very clearly in my head.  And it was telling me to get the hell out of there.  But I ignored it…thought it was just the liquor talking. So I continued with the evening. 

The next thing I knew, this gigantic pain wrapped around my midsection.  It was blinding.  Shoot…it had me bent over, and I had to run into the bathroom.  I threw up everything in me and some.  Well ole boy offered to let me just lay down…was going to nurse me back to health. But I could still hear that voice telling me to leave.  So I just told him, I would catch up with him the next day.  I apologized and headed back to my campus dorm room.

Well, about three hours later, my tummy was still a little sore, but I felt a lot better. I decided to page him to let him know that I was feeling better and to make plans for the next evening.  He never called me back. 

The next morning I was watching the local news before I headed to my first class.  The leading story was about a drive-by that had happened at a nearby duplex the evening before. When I focused on the TV…I realized that it was ole boy’s apartment.  The place had been sprayed with bullets about 20 minutes after my departure.  He was rushed to a local hospital in critical condition.  I still cringe every time I think about it.  What if I had ignored that voice…that feeling…and stayed?

Well I shook that episode off and continued on with my reckless ways.  But then Big Country and Imani entered my life and changed all of that.  I tried to avoid Big Country.  To me, he represented all of the guy friends that had rejected me during my teens.  He saw me as a friend…and I wanted a guy who worshipped me. 

In spite of this, we got together somehow.  It wasn’t supposed to lead to any thing…he was a friend with benefits.  But it did lead to someone…Imani.  At the ripe young age of 20, I became a mother and truly had to become the grown up I was hinting at for years.

And Big Country took up residence as my life partner.  No…it wasn’t a fairy tale courtship.  We have never thought of each other as soul mates…because there are still moments where we just don’t get each other.  But he is my dearest friend…my ride or die! And he accepts each of the sister spirits and has learned to exist with them.  I don’t think another dude would know how.

I wish I could say all of the drama ended when Imani came.  But that would be a definite lie.  We have seen it all.  But I think the last few years have been the craziest. Especially last year! My absentee father left this world and left me mad as hell. Checked out in the middle of the night…in his sleep.  And I have to admit that I am still struggling with that. I know it’s crazy…but I felt abandoned all over again. 

Now I’ve had to deal with so much more, but I won’t bother to detail. Remember I am still trying to protect the innocent and not so innocent.  I just feel like I had to mention some of the things I have been through so that you can understand why I refer to myself as a drama queen.

See it has nothing to do with the drama itself. I am not the first, nor will I be the last, to go through situations like these.  But I have managed to overcome and withstand a lot of the drama.  I don’t take any of the credit, for I know who has kept me.  (Remember, I heard that voice on the last night I spent with that drug dealer!) The situations in my life have not reduced me; they have empowered me.  And at the end of each dramatic episode…I have stood regal as a queen. 

I argued with my sisters today.  I am not really sure who won. I guess we called a truce since nothing really changed after all was said and done.

Okay…I guess I need to explain this one. 

I have sister spirits.  There are actually three of us.  There's me...D'Anne and then Dana and Deanna.   And the three of us make one.

Okay, I am not crazy.  And no I am not being sacrilegious; I realize that what I am describing could not even compare to the Holy Trinity.  Yes, I feel bipolar at moments...but I can assure you I am not crazy. But I have to admit that I do have at least three distinct personalities.  Each of these plays a key role in the person that I truly am, and depending on the situation, one of the personalities will fight for control.

To get a better understanding of this, I guess I need to explain each of the personas.  Okay, there is Deanna.  She is the innocent one.  I like to call her the "Kum Ba Yah Girl." See, she is lover of all humanity and is truly a peacemaker.  She has this obnoxiously nice habit of getting every person involved in a situation to see the other's point of view.  She is an ego-stroker and pleasure giver...loves to make you feel good about yourself.  Deanna never gives any thought to satisfying her own personal desires. She is always focused on the needs of others.  Yep….Lil Miss Goody-Too Shoes!

Now Dana is the control freak, and I will admit she usually rules in most of the day-to-day stuff.  Perfectionist is not a strong enough of a word to describe this chick.  She always appears cool under fire. A true lady....you would never know this girl was having a difficult time or that her money was funny.  Her hair and makeup are always on point even though she hasn't seen a stylist for at least eight months.  And when she skips lunch because she doesn’t have the ends, she can convince others that she is watching her figure or just doesn’t have the time to waste on a silly thing like eating.

Dana doesn't pick battles...normally avoids them at cost. But when she is engaged in one, my girl has a way of holding her own.  I often refer to it as the "nice-nasty" technique.  You know what I’m talking about right? She tells you off, smiles at you the whole time and you walk away in agreement.  Most people who have been subjected to it don’t even realize they have been told off until hours or days later. It is truly something to behold when it is in play.  Simply put...the girl has it together, but does it in such a way that it doesn't ruffle feathers.

So how would I describe me, D'Anne? Well don't jump to conclusions.  Just because Deanna is the angelic one and Dana is the lady, doesn't mean that I'm the hellcat! LOL… I know Big Country and a few personal friends might disagree.  No, I am definitely not a hell raiser.  I guess you can call me fiery and passionate. I will even accept the term “spitfire.”

 I just simply tell it like it is.  I don't try to hurt feelings, but when I feel strongly about an issue, I am not trying to spare them either.  I like to believe that I am the liberated one.  However, as I indicated before, Dana usually holds court.  That's why I'm the writer...I can be unleashed without causing too much damage.  Plus Dana seems to think that people will take my opinionated nature as literary license or a fictional account and not be offended.  Whatever!

Plus, I am an admitted potty mouth! Man, it is terrible.  I have been known to make grown men cringe.  Now I don’t curse all of the time…only when riled up. And when I do…it is over the top.  I have been known to conjugate curse words. 

I picked the habit up as a tween. The tomboy in me always had me hanging with the boys and I was free to practice my skill with them.  They got a good laugh out of it. Dana can usually stifle me, but when I cranked up…watch out. LOL.

Okay so now you have the background. Well earlier today we got a call that one of our kin has been rushed to the hospital.  Now I won’t divulge the relationship. Remember, I plan to protect the innocent and not so innocent.  (That is really a compromise I made with Deanna.  She is too sweet to not get her way in this one.)

Anyway this relationship with this relative has been pretty tumultuous.  She is one of those people who constantly disregard your feelings.  I mean she will cuss you out like you are an untouchable.  Then she will have the audacity to expect…no demand…that you help her or give her what she wants.  Yeah, unfortunately she is one of the toxic relationships in our world. 

The big problem is that we just can’t ignore her.  The relationship is too close and I guess you would say that we have a responsibility to look after her.  Well this past week with her…OMG…it was horrible.  She was in rare form…just spewing hatefulness.  We knew it was coming, but still it throws every time she erupts.  See she is bipolar and we had been dealing with the syrupy happiness.  So we know the madness was on its way.

So the rage occurred this past Monday evening.  I won’t detail it because it basically pisses me off every time I recount it. And then for the last few days…there was blessed silence. Now at first lil’ Deanna did not push us to bridge the gap. She knew the issue was still really hot and it was probably best not to stir up the embers.  But by yesterday, she was dropping the hints. I was doing a pretty good job of ignoring De’Anna’s pleas. And then we got the call this evening.  Of course, I was not hearing it. Shoot I was tired…plus the troublemaker had yet to say she was sorry for tormenting us earlier that week.

 But then Deanna got Dana to back her.  Dana starting pointing out that we were supposed to act like responsible adults. Now this incident was not life threatening, but she did need to go to the hospital to be checked.  Well, I just wasn’t feeling it.  Frankly I am tired of this chick walking all over us…using us as doormats…spewing ill will toward us. She loves telling us that she don’t care what we think…that she doesn’t need us.  But as soon as some ish jumps off…my phone starts ringing.

Well I wasn’t hearing it.  But then Ms. Control Freak Dana starts rationalizing crap…reminding us that we are the adults. Talking about how lil Miss Thang isn’t in a position to handle her business….yada ya….yada ya. The entire time Deanna is joining in with her remixed version of “We Are the World” that has her special chorus of helping the mentally challenged.  Just rubbish if you ask me. 

But of course, I gave in.  But that is not going to stop me from voicing my opinion about it. (And I did go on a little cursing tirade…I will spare you the details.). That’s the reason for this today’s session.

See I know that the Good Book tells us to pray for our enemies.  It also tells us to pray for those who “despitefully use” and abuse us.  I am not going to debate that for I am a believer.  But I don’t like it.  I have a problem with people who think that they are grown enough and big enough to do what they want without a care for the impact it causes and then have the nerve to expect me to run to their rescue every time their “grown enough” decisions get them in trouble.  (Deanna should be proud of me…I kept myself from using profanity instead….LOL). Far as I am concerned, if you think you can handle your business without my input…then handle it.

The problem I have with my sister spirits is that they take too much bull.  Deanna wants everybody to be happy with her. Dana just wants to maintain her appearance of control.  The problem is that we are the ones who are dealing with the B.S. that results from this other person’s decisions.  So what are we teaching when we do this and what is she learning? I feel that she is only fine-tuning her manipulation skills.  And I am frankly tired of being used in such a manner.  The girls claim it will get better…that we won’t find ourselves in this boat much longer.  I frankly think they are deluding themselves. We have a lifetime tie with this other chick… I don’t see it getting better any time soon…

Enough is enough!

The end of the year is fast approaching and so is that deadline that my “agent” gave me.  I have this book…my baby….that I have been writing and editing now for at least five years (I’m sure it’s more…), but I can’t get it done. The ideas and plot are swimming around in my head…hell, I have dreamt about chapters of it.  The dang thing is basically written…so why am I struggling to get it down on paper?

I can’t blame it on writer’s block. Shoot…like I said…I am not at a loss for words or ideas.  The characters are complex and interesting…extraordinary and believable.  No it’s not writer’s block.

So when Big Country dared me to have “Fancy” ready for the world by mid-December, I took him up on it.  He knows I can resist a dare! Shoot in all of the “Truth or Dare” games I have been involved in my lifetime, I have rarely just told the truth.  That’s me…always looking for the next adventure.

So what is it then?  I guess you can say I am having a life block.  There has been so much drama going on in my own life…it is really overshadowing the fantasy in my head.

I finally came to this point this morning where I just decided enough was enough.  I gotta start looking out for D’ Anne. This is my dream I am talking about.  I ain’t going out like this. 

I am going through a stage right now where timing is limited, my support network is megabytes away, and my pockets don’t even have lint in them.  The personal crises of those around me are suffocating me. My career is stagnant, and the economy hasn’t really helped my entrepreneurial pursuits. It also doesn’t help that I really don’t like where I live right now.  But that economy thing ain’t making relocation an option right now.

I have been swallowing my frustration so long that it is now choking the one outlet I have always had… writing. Even as a little girl, I could always count on that.  I remember sitting outside on the front steps of that singlewide trailer and writing about any thing that came to mind. Back then, I just knew I was the next Alice, Zora or Maya. 

So how I get it back? How do I move past my personal issues until I am back in writer’s bliss? My trusted circle of friends is not near and everyone has there hands full with their own ish right now.  I have Big Country…but he’s such a black and white thinker and this issue cannot be handled with a black and white approach.  Professional therapy is out of the question.  And my girl Hannah is gonna eventually get tired of the free “cry-on-my-shoulder” sessions and start charging me an hourly rate.  And that chic ain’t cheap?

So I have decided to engage in my own form of self-therapy. Yep…I’m going work myself through this little problem I am having and I’m going to do it doing just what I’m good at…writing. What better way to work out my literary kinks than blogging?

Think about it.  Blogging is the “in-thing” now.  You can find a blog about any topic.  So why not use this same tool to discuss the distracting thoughts and situations that are wreaking havoc on my game plan?

For the next 21 days, I am going to ramble myself to literary freedom.  Yes…I am going to just put all of my thoughts and observations about my life out there.  Any random person can view it…and maybe share a thought or some advice.  My own free counseling session…and I don’t have to worry about confidentiality.  D’ Anne is a persona I created.  And I will change the names of people mentioned in my ramblings.  This will protect the innocent…and not so innocent.

I chose to do this for 21 days because of the common belief that it takes 21 days to create or break habit.  I just wanted to put this theory to test.  I don’t really buy into it. Come on…it took me more than 21 days to get to the state I’m in.  But hell, it can’t hurt.  Plus, Idon’t wanna go into the New Year with this baggage.  

What do I hope to achieve by doing this?  Well, I simply want to be able to get past the distractions and focus on my baby again. The world is ready for Fancy’s story, and my life is interfering with that!

Come journey along with me.  Maybe along the way you will come across a nugget that makes you laugh.  Or you will be able to relate and share some knowledge that will help me deal with the issue.  Or maybe I will just discover that this really was a case of writer’s block and I will be able to work myself out of it? 

We’ll see!