Yep…that’s what I said. Happy New Year!
Today I celebrated the beginning of another year of my life.
It’s funny…as I prepared for my day this morning, my mind wandered back to this time last year. Boy, what a difference a year can make. On my last birthday, I was determined to tell Fancy’s story. A “would-have, could-have” moment in my life had inspired me and words were leaping from my brain into my laptop. I couldn’t focus on any thing else…my book consumed my thoughts. I walked around with my notebook in my hand all of the time…just in case a chapter developed in my head.
So what happened? Why made me get off track? How did I lose my zeal?
I could easily point out several life changes. We had to get use to Lil’ Man’s arrival. It had been a minute since a baby had been in our home. Our space was already crowded. And then our kitchen counters became crowded with baby bottles, formula and bottle warmers. I found myself bumping into the bassinet all the time and the washer and dryer stayed in operation. Trying to get Imani to adjust to her new role was not easy. Every suggestion became the jump-off to a confrontation. I believe she thought she would just morph into the supermom role. Poor deluded girl.
Even though the new baby was a big adjustment, I know that wasn’t truly the reason for my diversion. Soon we were all used to Lil’ Man’s presence in our world. So what else could it be?
Well, Big Country did lose his driving contract to deliver for a national office supply chain. It was four days before Christmas. We were already dealing with the expenses that a bundle of joy brings. We were definitely not prepared. And the financial condition of our community did not help matters. Big Country takes his role as provider and protector very seriously. So it was a major blow to his psyche when he got no callbacks from all of the applications he submitted.
But he is a hustler…we both are. He took on a part-time while taking coursework to begin a new career. He gathered scrap metal and helped his cousin who owned a landscaping business. He finished the course and started his new business. He’s building it, but it has been slow. Sacrifices have had to be made…he shaved his head bald and learned to keep it clean….I haven’t been to my stylist in eight months…couponing is a part of our routine and shopping is now about necessity. We are not where we want to be, but we will get there. No doubt about it.
So what is it? What has been holding me back? Why am I struggling to finish this book that has been unfolding in my head for the last five years?
I think the key is that “would-have, could-have” episode. It made me reflect over every season of my life. I questioned every decision I had made and all the paths I had chosen. I wondered what I would have done differently.
In doing so, I realized that my Deanna ways have often gotten the best of me. I have paused in my pursuit of happiness to walk some one along his or her path. I have been the first to compromise even when I was not asked to do so.
Now don’t get me wrong…for the most part, I have no regrets. Big Country and I have a dynamic and unique partnership based upon a solid friendship. Not all of our friends from back in the day have faired so well. My family is doing well in spite of the financial storm and Imani’s emotional/mental battles.
But my self-sacrificing ways have kept me from completing my goals…pursuing my dreams. This goes back to childhood. I am the oldest child. When my mother struggled to provide for me and my sister, I would often choose to go without something so that my sister could have. Then later on when I got pregnant with Imani, I changed my career focus so that she wouldn’t be cheated out of a mother. Time and time again, I chose to do without in the best interests of those around me. Even when they have not asked me to do so!
Just a few months ago, I was involved in a very bad car accident that totaled my car and two others. The post-crash photos are frightening and make you realize how blessed am I. I could have left this earth with my dream on permanent hold.
This morning I realized that I was given a chance to get myself together. I have chosen to pursue my dreams. I am kicking myself in the pants. I want my book published. Others have strived toward and achieved their goals in spite of their life circumstances. Look at Tyler Perry. Not very long ago, he was homeless and living out of his car.
That’s why this blog is so important to me. If I can focus on it…commit to writing for 21 days…I will complete this. I will be one step closer to being “Fancy-free.”
So as I begin this next year of my life, I am returning to the zeal I had last year. However this time, it is coupled with a resolved to not allow life to distract me. And when the setbacks occur…for Satan is intent on holding me back…I will regroup and refocus. Everyone should prepare for Fancy’s arrival.
Until then….Happy New Year!